fear

I try to grasp at control over my feelings. But it's like liquid silver slipping through my fingertips and the more frantically I try to collect it all, the faster it falls.

Something took away my jurisdiction to decide when my "I can" turns into "I can't." But who can see how hard I'm struggling when "functional" apparently equates to a case of depression not severe enough to pay attention to?

That's just who I am, can you not see? I have to internalize it to not be "dramatic," or accused of not trying hard enough. I'm functional because I have to be. Is it really functional though? Is floating through days feeling not good enough, not strong enough...is that functional to you?

Does everyone fight this hard to feel normal?

Do other people prefer sleeping to living?

I'm scared.

I'm really really scared.